Alright, so reading my last blog....I'm somewhat disappointed in myself, I'm generally a little more protective of others...

I really WAS stinkin mad...stinkin mad...and it showed, huh!?!!

Honestly, when it comes to my kids I can not seem to help but to feel fiercely protective of them. I can absolutely come out swinging...and the truth is God had/has/will have it all under control... I really don't need to swing punches...


I'm learning to trust God in these times and REST. That is SO hard for me. I have been going through months of learning how to rest...not only that it has been storming! The storms seem to come on top of one another....at times I feel like I can hardly manage, but that is the point I'm not suppose to be managing, I'm suppose to be resting so He can manage...I reminded myself of that today...(yet once again)


For me laying in bed hitting the snooze in that drowsy, awake time is some of my best praying and communicating time I have with God...There is something about those minutes where my brain is not at full capacity...it seems for those moments my spirit speaks louder than my soul or heart....that can be a good thing when the storm is raging...


In that quiet this morning...I felt God say...what about the life insurance policies? It hit me years ago I opened whole life insurance policies on the entire family... I have had this for years since the kids were babies...and they have been cooking, so I dug out some info as I was listening to Joseph Prince this morning and just prayed...let it be enough. I had a quick break at work and called the policy holder and found the kids policies were worth less than 100 each but mine was worth 3200 to cash out. BINGO money for tuition! I have enough life insurance through work, I really don't need that policy...what a blessing!


I just began to think how God works...see He knew this was going to happen...He knew tuition would be due for my daughter and He knew how to get it covered...He prepared me for this moment over 15 years ago...I love that thought...So tomorrow I fax in some information and in a couple of weeks her tuition will be paid. God uses people, He uses us for our own answers and sometimes he uses others. Either way I believe we need to be open to His work. We don't have to be held hostage to one way of thinking or doing things. I KNOW/knew in my Spirit my daughter is to be at school right now, I knew she was not to drop out. I knew there was an answer somewhere...I knew I was her Mom and for this semester, for this moment in time it was up to me somehow to manage this...I did pray for God to open up the window or door...


This same week after dropping my daughter off for her first year at college, my son got his 1st car...I finished training my new partner at work and I got my clinic back up to par just before we get hit with preparation for the flu season...Life is good, I am tired but getting use to long hours at the clinic again. I'm also at peace...at home, at work, and in those early morning hours, amidst all the change and challenges I'm resting...feeling the presence of my Daddy so close by...taking care of everything better than I could ever think of or dream...


As soon as I can get it up...Enjoy the video of my daughters very first dorm room and my sons new car! I would have never guessed I could have done that 5 days apart! The best part is this...sons car=paid for, daughters college tuition for this semester=paid for ;) And it was honestly God's provision here...

I'm so mad I could spit...

My Daughter is leaving for college in 4 days...it should be a wonderful time...We just had a family celebration to send her off this past Friday. It was one of those fabulous family get togethers I don't think any of us will forget...it was the praise before the storm....

In the early summer after my daughters graduation celebration her step-father met with us. He sat before us and told us he was a changed man, he asked for our forgiveness for leaving us all when I was diagnosed and started chemo. We were all hesitant to believe him, but gave him a chance at redemption. I told the kids that was scriptural. He said he wanted to be there for the kids regardless of what happened with us (he was hoping for reconciliation). He asked us what we needed. We sat there dumfounded. Although my son and he communicated occasionally, my daughter and I had never talked with him since he had left 2 years ago. My daughter just looked at him and he asked her about college expenses, he then told her he would pay for her left over tuition bill after loans (you can't borrow enough to totally cover your expenses) It was going to be about 2,000 for this first semester. It was such a stress relief. he offered to buy my son a car for 3500-4000 dollars as well. During the summer each month I have purchased EVERYTHING needed for her college dorm life. She is totally ready to go....

4 Days before college drop off he is "praying" if he should pay her expenses. He said he figures too much damage has been done...what does it matter... granted he is her step-father, he owes her nothing technically...but when I heard her sobbing on the phone today wondering if she should even start college this fall I got fighting mad. I'm so tired of having my kids let down. I want so badly for them to feel cared for and protected. I want them to feel like they can rely on a man. I wonder if he realizes the wounds he is creating. I rarely get mad enough to cry, but today was my first day back to work after an extended surgery. After I got about 10 panicked phone calls from my daughter as she is trying to figure out how to make other financial arrangements, I just broke down at work. Not only were we busy but I was training someone on the computer as we saw patient after patient...when I cry my face gets blotchy, there was no hiding it. I just had to excuse myself and give myself some time. I wanted to punch the wall and I hardly ever get really angry. I was so mad I felt on the edge of being out of control. Why, why did I even think this was going to happen? I should have known better...I knew he and I were not going to be able to reconcile but I was hoping for some redemption for the kids and him...NOT more damage....and I even encouraged them both to be open to his offers. I felt like such an idiot...It is a hard thing to believe in people who have let you down, it is a harder thing to let them help you...God help the 3 of us to keep soft hearts...

I know God is our present need in time of trouble, I know He never leaves us, I know He not only dwells in me but my daughter as well. I know He owns a cattle on a thousand hills, I know He is our provider, I also know as His righteousness through Christ I encur favor and so does my daughter...so I'm asking everyone that reads this to pray for us. Speak a positive word over us, stand with us to believe the best, send us words of encouragement...We need 1909.00 to be exact for her tuition bill, (she has saved after working this summer and I have saved for the rest). I covet your prayers and support. There is an answer here and we need the wisdom to find it...Thanks saints :)

Lets Recap...

Alright so it is August the 12th. WHAT a summer. I was reminded today how the Lord asks us to recall His faithfulness to us...He calls us to remember His rescues, the work of His hands, His wonders, and His proclamations from his mouth.

And the people of Israel did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hand of all their enemies on every side; (Jdg　8:34　RSV)

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all You have done; I reflect on the work of Your hands. (Psa　143:5　CSB)

Remember his marvellous works that he hath done; his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth; (Psa　105:5　KJG)

...Why? Why is it important to remember what God has done? For me I know one of the reasons... Satan goes around as the great accuser, he loves to condemn us to anyone who will listen. He loves to tell us we are not beloved by God, he loves us to feel forgotten and uncared for by our Father, our creator. Deception is Satan's only tool and when we buy it then we get robbed of what God has done, is doing, and will do. If you look at these passages God clearly tells us Israel forgot they were delivered by Gods hand from ALL their enemies on EVERY side. We may read that and think jeezz...how could they do that? The truth is we tend to do the same thing. When we lose sight of Gods deliverance, when we don't reflect on His wonders, when we talk or begin to believe we delivered ourselves by our strength, skills, or talents we tread on that very same dangerous ground the Israelites did. God says we fight a spiritual battle, not a battle of flesh and blood, yet we live in the physical world, so how do we reconcile all this? For me I have made a decision long ago to trust and believe in my Creator...this means I believe what His Word says and act accordingly. I believe I'm in a spiritual battle. I believe this involves unseen issues of faith. I believe it involves unseen battles... I also know that God fights this battle for me. It is not my talents, wisdom, nature, looks, money or position ,or anything else that deliverers me, it is Him. To remember and give God credit not only give Him the glory He richly deserves but it reminds us who we are and who we belong to. This battle that you and I fight in this world is already won. The problem is the church today instead of equipping us to properly fight spiritual battles had generally brought us under the law once again with all the do's and dont's, the step system, and the hard work system. Each one of us is under grace with Satan defeated under our feet. That should be our focus as well as what God has done....I have had an incredible summer and these are some of the things God has done for me:

1) 6,000 was GIVEN to me so I could have a surgery that would repair my entire abdominal wall. Had that not been given to me I would have gone through an entirely different procedure and I would have come out more scarred and been/felt more deformed. I was not prepared for that after 2 years of chemo, chronic disease, and incredible pain. So God provided....from a completely unbelievable source at that.

2) My daughter got the money she needed for college. This same person decided to fund whatever part of college she can not pay for with her student loans, otherwise she would be working instead of attending college in a couple of weeks.

3) My home mortgage was restructured at the last minute when it was getting ready for foreclosure, my payments are now a couple hundred less than they were.

4) I had paid time off for surgery. It was a fight with short term disability for a few weeks but we got it all worked out and my time off work was paid for.

5) Both my children got jobs making 10.00 an hour. This allowed my daughter money for school expenses and my son money for a car.

6) I got to go to a medical conference during this time off for work. I traveled with my daughter and her boyfriend and tolerated the trip fairly well by breaking it up.

7) My ex and I, who have never discussed his leaving met and talked some things out. It helped my children and I to ease some of the pain of these last few years. Because of that I won't carry with me into other relationships some of the things I was holding on to (unbeknownst to me) and neither will they.

8) I learned and am still learning what it means to rest. I am learning what Grace means in real time right along with favor...Instead of keeping my hands in things and asking for His assistance to fix them....I keep them out...I don't do anything until He tells me to move. If any of you know me well you know this is nothing short of a miracle.

Those are my top 8 for the summer and there are more, but these, these are true solid God workings...they left His mark and His breath on me. I have had MANY enemies and I have been rescued from them ALL....each and every single one...Not one is left on any side to torment me. Praise God He does a thorough work...

I smile at each of these paragraphs above, I know what they all took. It took work on my insides, it took walking in the spirit when I wanted to scream and yell, and blame, and cry, and play the pity card, and give up, a couple of times I will admit I wanted to swing a punch or too....but see that is God too...He is going to make sure that while He fights our battles we fight our own of patience, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faith, hope, joy, and love. I count this summer as joy...I'll never forget the summer of 2009 and how my Daddy took care of me so intimately and so completely. He restored my health and my youth, he restored my finances and promoted me, he deepened my friendships to precious level, He took care of my babies for me, He provided food, and housing and He even gave me a vacation. Most of all and I hope your not missing this here, He showed me in real time, in this flesh and blood realm that believing in Him, having faith in Him is my sure bet. He showed me he CARES for me...I WILL NOT forget ALL His benefits...


I have always said I wanted to see Satan and his boys so I could know what they are up to...life would be so much easier then...but one thing I can tell you, even though this is a nice list I know this too it doesn't begin to cover how He cares for me. Every moment of every day He is working for me in some capacity...One day we will come to know all the goings on that took place in this physical world that were of His spiritual nature...When we come to know His care we will no longer be standing on our feet...