International adoption and God's plan for me...

So I think it is time for me to address this now...Lets talk adoption. I know so many of you know I went through two failed international adoptions. The first one happened when Belarus shut down as we were awaiting travel. Dossier completed and at the embassy, all steps complete except for the legalities and pick up of our child, this was a devastating blow. Belarus shut down in 2004. The child we were to get was special needs. I can't help but to wonder still on some days how different the future would have been had that adoption been completed. The second adoption fell through when the country of Kyrgyzstan gave our promised child to another family. This happened 3 years later in 2007. I was shocked, adoptions were new in that country, we were warned it might not be a stable adoption situation, as far as I know this is the only time that has happened in that country.



So how have a reconciled all this? First, let me say as that second adoption fell through I was diagnosed with a severe case of Rheumatoid arthritis requiring chemo and tumor recrossing drugs, I was on 13 meds total to just try and stay mobile. My husband left and we subsequently divorced. For anyone who has done research on international adoption it is pretty imperative there is a good support system for the parent. I really had none besides my two teenage children and their life had been turned upside down at the same time. To be honest, after my diagnosis I was happy that this little girl went to a two parent family that loved the Lord, it was best for her even though my heart was breaking...



The only thing I can say about the first adoption is that had that gone through I would be tied to Kentucky sharing custody for the next 10 years. I don't for one minute think that child would in anyway have salvaged that marriage, in fact it would have put an end to it faster. God knew this was going to happen and evidently God wanted something else for me.



This has been one of those times in my life where I have to say God as my creator knew/knows best. I wanted to be a wife and the mother of 4 children. I have wanted that my whole life. I wanted a white picket fence with dog and cat in tow...I wanted to be in love with my family and my life... this was my life long dream and to boot I thought it would be fairly simple...I had to come to the terms with the face it just was not going to happen the way I envisioned it. In fact I would never have that nuclear family...BUT what I do have is this...



I have 2 GREAT kids, in truth, unusually great. Neither one of them were easy babies but they have been great kids and teenagers...I love the bajeezies out of both of them...and I'm so proud of them...not only are the three of us supportive of one another but we all love each other well...Most importantly, as they age they have a desire to keep God at the forefront of their lives. They have seen us come through as a family in ways we can not give credit to anyone else but the Lord, our Father has taken more than good care of us to the point my children can not deny His presence and they actually seek it...

There are a few monumental times in our lives where we talk to God and just know our unusual prayer request is not only being heard but the answer is coming as we pray...When I was pregnant with both my children I said to God, "You created this child, You know them, if they are not going to serve You then take them now, out of my body, because I simply can not have children in my home who do not love and seek You...I knew as I carried those children to term and gave birth to them God had granted me that answered prayer...somehow I KNEW. I have never worried about my children's relationship with the Father, as I already believe that issue is settled. God has certainly gifted me with His wisdom in raising them. They are in many ways polar opposites but they have a common thread of loving each other, this family, and our Father. Those two children are one reason we ALL wanted to adopt, them included.

I know God is not finished with my family yet...I will one day get married again. I will more than likely have step-children but even if I don't I know that Gods ways are so much higher than our ways..and I KNOW God will add when the time is right. God has never left a desire unfulfilled in my heart, it may not have come the way I thought it would BUT the fulfillment comes, AND it usually has God written all over it so that I can't receive it as anything but the gift it is...

So, my dear friends stay tuned, God is not done with my life, in fact in many ways it is just starting. the theme of the second half of my life will be one of redemption...and yes you too will see God all over it...

So I have been thinking lately...

So I have been thinking lately about relationships. Actually I always do but this has been different because these thoughts come out of learning how to rest...



Most people are going to read this and honestly not get it, your not going to get it if you don't know how to rest. I don't know how anyone learns that lesson unless God takes you through it. Most of us are children, parents and siblings. From the time we are born there is something in us that wants to control our environment for our purpose, it takes all of us quite a while to realize we don't always know what is best for us. Some people never learn that lesson...but as of late...



I have learned not to argue with how the potter is shaping not just me but my life. I have stopped saying I don't like the design of what God is doing in my life. I'm learning to go with it and try to view this experience of living now by looking from the outside in and just appreciating the beauty of what is happening...



Resting requires a couple of things; one, you have to absolutely trust that God loves you...if I didn't trust that I could not have started on this journey. I don't always feel His love, sometimes I question it, but I do trust it. I let that trust resonate in my life now. The other thing is I really had to see God as my creator, as a God who put me on this earth, in the US, in my family, at the time He did. Furthermore He created me with a set of skill sets and a level of faith to face and deal well with whatever came across my path. He knew every decision I would make and he provided for it all...I was not haphazardly created to just exist and try to do my best, I believe each of us is created for a purpose and for the most part that purpose lays outside of ourselves.



I don't think any of us will accomplish what we were to do on this earth unless we get to a point of trusting Gods love and His position as our Creator...THE creator for that matter. Getting there for me means I'm resting ;)



You older guys like myself will remember the popular saying and the book "God is my copilot". Well I have lived like that most my life in the drivers seat...I've decided to switch seats with Him, he is a much better pilot than I am, I have survived quite a few crashes, erroneous landings, poor direction, and wrong trips. As the pilot of my life...those wayward actions have cost me....and they cost me deeply. I have decided to stop controlling "my" journey and "my" life...



I'm just glad I serve a God that restores, and redeems, and makes my desires His desires. That is honestly where my hope lies right now. If we can not even fathom the good things God has for us how in the heck are we going to obtain them if we stay master of our lives only allowing Him a copilot seat...I'm learning he created this earth and he knows all the special spots I was created for...I want those special spots...and I want to arrive to what I was designed for...I don't really care where it is. I know and believe that is where I will be happiest and thriving. I so want to thrive in what God created me for, I just don't want to live a robbed life anymore, I want a victorious one...



I have been really quiet lately, I have not talked nearly as much to even my close friends. I couldn't get some of these thoughts out until I processed them a bit. I have truly had no words for what is going on inside of me, words are cheap and I can't seem to find the right ones to describe this experience even now. There is something so deeply intimate and personal between God and I right now it belongs to us, it is just precious stuff...

So...yes my friends I am doing well, in fact I think I am doing better than I ever have. I'm prospering spiritually, emotionally, financially, relationally, and physically. I'm feeling alive to my cells, I think I can feel my spirit woman in me growing, I actually feel her now and it feels like I am bursting out of my skin almost...

My dear friends, old and new that have supported me over these past few difficult years...I'm sorry I scared you, I hate that you saw me so low, but I love that you get to witness the journey of Gods redemption in my life...you each are so uniquly precious to me...and you know who you are...thanks for being there...;)