July 19th...six years ago....

July 19th is not a day I will ever forget. I am usually tearful and sad and just sullen this day today was a repeat of the last 6 years. This is the day my nephew died unexpectedly 6 years ago now. There is something that happens to a woman when a child dies that is close to her, it doesn't have to be their own child, nephews are close enough in that category...at least mine was. Christian was the first child in our family, I would have Allie 7 years later so for 7 years that boy delighted my heart in a way I only hoped my children would one day. When I was pregnant with Allie I was not sure I would love her as much as I loved Christian...I can't even put it into words what happens when a child dies but a part of my soul seemed to escape from me 6 years ago...I have never gotten it back...


Goodness he would be 25. I often wonder of all the time we were robbed, I wonder of what his future would have held, would he be married, would he have children by now, would we be as close as we were when he was younger, it seems that relationships with kids wax and wane and pick back up once marriage and children enter the picture...I would have always been close to Christian. I would have loved to see him working, I wonder would he have been that vet he wanted to be, would he be a husband, be a father...What would he have been....


One of the things I miss most about him is he had a twinkle in his eyes, I'm not sure I have ever seen in anyone else...he would just look at me in one of our moments and I swear his eyes would sparkle, in that second any pain I had seemed to dissipate...I love him...and today my heart aches with the reminder of a life cut short....


I'm going to have to go to sleep now and just let the Lord comfort me, hold my heart, and allow myself to rest in Him...I do look forward to the day destruction, the taking of things too early, and death is conquered....