My Daddy...

Dad holding Allie when she was two weeks old

This was Mom and Dads wedding picture I was in yellow and 9 years old.


This was Dads and his Hollywood good looks....

This was Dads military photo...what a looker...

This Saturday (the 25th) will be the 8th anniversary of my Dads death. His death rocked my world, it was an incredibly hard time for me. I still can not hardly talk about him without crying, it exposes that part of my heart that is tender. Most of my heart seems to be tender when it came to Dad...

Most of you know he was my step-father he was in my reality my Daddy. The truth is he touched my heart in ways no one else ever has, not that I have not desired that it just has not happened. Wow, did we forge through...I would say although we laid the foundation for years and tried to actively build our relationship it was not until my adulthood that we both realized we had something unique. That is when we absolutely clicked...we had somehow gained an understanding of each other that was our special bond. I just adored him....and he knew it. I felt truly loved for who I was...The thing is my Daddy knew me...he knew all the dirt, all the hardship, all my weaknesses, my strengths, he had seen me at my worst, he had seen my ugly cry, he knew my insecurities yet he continued to look upon me with adoration and supported my quest in life. He encouraged me to reach tops that even he thought I might be incapable of, he helped to pull me out of pits when I was deep in the mire. He was not afraid to see me fail or succeed. Most of all he was not afraid to let me in his heart, and I know he opened up his heart to me knowing before hand I would disappointed him at times, I know I frustrated the heck out of him, I know I made his heart ache, but he kept me there nevertheless and allowed me to love him in his vulnerability as well.... What a rare gift...to be taught by example how to love that way...

I have come to find out in life most of us don't choose to let others in unguarded. We are afraid of the heart break, we are afraid of the heart ache even, we don't risk letting others see us at our worst because in those moments we assume the relationship is doomed to fail, we hide our insecurities and our faults and in that we rob ourselves and others. Life should not be about a performance to stay on top, it should be about living and living raw, being real, being venerable, finding the freedom to expose our weakness and being supported. Finding someone who cherishes us. Well, as I have said, that is a rare gift. We all have t-shirt and barefoot jean, bad hair, no makeup days and we also have those little black dress moments when we feel our most beautiful, you have to be loved in both places. You have to be respected there too...

I see so many people skimming the surface with others with no commitment to get to the iceberg underneath the water. I have found that not only do you have to be willing to explore but you have to be willing to BE explored...you have to be willing to dive in that cold water and explore unseen parts of others...then you have to be willing allow others to expose some uncharted territory of yourself. It takes trust and respect....I don't think until those things are established will you find love...

Love is not that thing that makes us act like love sick teenagers again, it is that decision to really see someone and love it all, endure it all, and stay through it all...Love can not be summed up in one sentence it can not be summed up in one word or one set of expletives. That is why the Bible calls it patient, kind, and long suffering, not taking into account the wrongs done to it, not demanding its own way...What love is not is jealous, boastful, proud or rude, it is not glad in injustice bu rejoices when the truth wins out, it never gives up, never looses faith, it is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. Then this is my favorite love lasts forever....forever....

All that above paragraph my dad and I achieved...It did not come natural, we didn't even like each other at first. I think in all honesty we both were terrified of the other, but we set out on a quest and with Christ as our center we eventually got there...we risked our hearts breaking, we encountered disappointments, we failed one another at times, BUT we endured...when the dust cleared we were still standing and rooting the other on....

Towards the end of his life both of us knew he was leaving....whenever I walked into his hospital room he would start to cry...I would just curl up against him in his bed and he would hold me and tears silently streamed down both our faces, words escaped us, they were cheap...our love was forever but it was going to end in this life, he held me as my heart broke...and I held him as he begrudgingly started to drift from this life....

I don't think either of us would have ever exchanged the experience of learning to love each other deeply even though it involved pain, even though our hearts broke and even though it ended in this life...we propelled each other in areas we never would have known about or explored without that commitment we had towards one another...I think he felt like I was one of his greatest successes, I was. Loving and being loved like that imparted something in me that I will never loose, it allows me now to risk, to cast down my pride, to put others first, it allows me to see with eyes that are not my own, I have faith, I have hope, and I understand love is powerful....I understand to love and to be love changes us deeply and always for the better. The benefits out weight the risk by far. I understand that getting to anothers heart is what counts, I also understand letting someone get to my counts just as importantly. My Daddy's ability to teach that forever changed my life...I'm eternally grateful...

I have no doubt my Daddy is in a better place, the thing is I was left with having experienced the real thing...now the fake thing does not suffice...I want to love well and to be loved well...that to me is the only life worth living...everything else...that is just getting by... I want more than that. I want Gods best, I want forever again...

Many of my friends ask me what they can do on the anniversary of my Dad's death. I will not lie...flowers are nice, dinner is nice, notes are sweet things that I appreciate more than I can tell you, phone calls where I can just talk and share encourage me more than you know...But what I would like each one of my friends do this year is this...At some point this next year, or even the first chance you get...Decide to love deeply, open yourself up to someone in a new way, become vulnerable, watch the outcome...Let someone else feel safe in your arms in a worst moment...feel the emotion...If you share a worse moment with someone when the dust clears let them see you still standing...Ask God to give you His eyes to view someone with....watch your vision change...

In our culture today we see rare examples of true love and we all suffer for the lack of it...with each of us making a decision to go a little deeper, to push ourselves to open up or to make a commitment to be there for others in hard times we change things, we change people...love is beautiful, powerful, and lasting...it gives meaning to the word forever...