International adoption and God's plan for me...

So I think it is time for me to address this now...Lets talk adoption. I know so many of you know I went through two failed international adoptions. The first one happened when Belarus shut down as we were awaiting travel. Dossier completed and at the embassy, all steps complete except for the legalities and pick up of our child, this was a devastating blow. Belarus shut down in 2004. The child we were to get was special needs. I can't help but to wonder still on some days how different the future would have been had that adoption been completed. The second adoption fell through when the country of Kyrgyzstan gave our promised child to another family. This happened 3 years later in 2007. I was shocked, adoptions were new in that country, we were warned it might not be a stable adoption situation, as far as I know this is the only time that has happened in that country.



So how have a reconciled all this? First, let me say as that second adoption fell through I was diagnosed with a severe case of Rheumatoid arthritis requiring chemo and tumor recrossing drugs, I was on 13 meds total to just try and stay mobile. My husband left and we subsequently divorced. For anyone who has done research on international adoption it is pretty imperative there is a good support system for the parent. I really had none besides my two teenage children and their life had been turned upside down at the same time. To be honest, after my diagnosis I was happy that this little girl went to a two parent family that loved the Lord, it was best for her even though my heart was breaking...



The only thing I can say about the first adoption is that had that gone through I would be tied to Kentucky sharing custody for the next 10 years. I don't for one minute think that child would in anyway have salvaged that marriage, in fact it would have put an end to it faster. God knew this was going to happen and evidently God wanted something else for me.



This has been one of those times in my life where I have to say God as my creator knew/knows best. I wanted to be a wife and the mother of 4 children. I have wanted that my whole life. I wanted a white picket fence with dog and cat in tow...I wanted to be in love with my family and my life... this was my life long dream and to boot I thought it would be fairly simple...I had to come to the terms with the face it just was not going to happen the way I envisioned it. In fact I would never have that nuclear family...BUT what I do have is this...



I have 2 GREAT kids, in truth, unusually great. Neither one of them were easy babies but they have been great kids and teenagers...I love the bajeezies out of both of them...and I'm so proud of them...not only are the three of us supportive of one another but we all love each other well...Most importantly, as they age they have a desire to keep God at the forefront of their lives. They have seen us come through as a family in ways we can not give credit to anyone else but the Lord, our Father has taken more than good care of us to the point my children can not deny His presence and they actually seek it...

There are a few monumental times in our lives where we talk to God and just know our unusual prayer request is not only being heard but the answer is coming as we pray...When I was pregnant with both my children I said to God, "You created this child, You know them, if they are not going to serve You then take them now, out of my body, because I simply can not have children in my home who do not love and seek You...I knew as I carried those children to term and gave birth to them God had granted me that answered prayer...somehow I KNEW. I have never worried about my children's relationship with the Father, as I already believe that issue is settled. God has certainly gifted me with His wisdom in raising them. They are in many ways polar opposites but they have a common thread of loving each other, this family, and our Father. Those two children are one reason we ALL wanted to adopt, them included.

I know God is not finished with my family yet...I will one day get married again. I will more than likely have step-children but even if I don't I know that Gods ways are so much higher than our ways..and I KNOW God will add when the time is right. God has never left a desire unfulfilled in my heart, it may not have come the way I thought it would BUT the fulfillment comes, AND it usually has God written all over it so that I can't receive it as anything but the gift it is...

So, my dear friends stay tuned, God is not done with my life, in fact in many ways it is just starting. the theme of the second half of my life will be one of redemption...and yes you too will see God all over it...

So I have been thinking lately...

So I have been thinking lately about relationships. Actually I always do but this has been different because these thoughts come out of learning how to rest...



Most people are going to read this and honestly not get it, your not going to get it if you don't know how to rest. I don't know how anyone learns that lesson unless God takes you through it. Most of us are children, parents and siblings. From the time we are born there is something in us that wants to control our environment for our purpose, it takes all of us quite a while to realize we don't always know what is best for us. Some people never learn that lesson...but as of late...



I have learned not to argue with how the potter is shaping not just me but my life. I have stopped saying I don't like the design of what God is doing in my life. I'm learning to go with it and try to view this experience of living now by looking from the outside in and just appreciating the beauty of what is happening...



Resting requires a couple of things; one, you have to absolutely trust that God loves you...if I didn't trust that I could not have started on this journey. I don't always feel His love, sometimes I question it, but I do trust it. I let that trust resonate in my life now. The other thing is I really had to see God as my creator, as a God who put me on this earth, in the US, in my family, at the time He did. Furthermore He created me with a set of skill sets and a level of faith to face and deal well with whatever came across my path. He knew every decision I would make and he provided for it all...I was not haphazardly created to just exist and try to do my best, I believe each of us is created for a purpose and for the most part that purpose lays outside of ourselves.



I don't think any of us will accomplish what we were to do on this earth unless we get to a point of trusting Gods love and His position as our Creator...THE creator for that matter. Getting there for me means I'm resting ;)



You older guys like myself will remember the popular saying and the book "God is my copilot". Well I have lived like that most my life in the drivers seat...I've decided to switch seats with Him, he is a much better pilot than I am, I have survived quite a few crashes, erroneous landings, poor direction, and wrong trips. As the pilot of my life...those wayward actions have cost me....and they cost me deeply. I have decided to stop controlling "my" journey and "my" life...



I'm just glad I serve a God that restores, and redeems, and makes my desires His desires. That is honestly where my hope lies right now. If we can not even fathom the good things God has for us how in the heck are we going to obtain them if we stay master of our lives only allowing Him a copilot seat...I'm learning he created this earth and he knows all the special spots I was created for...I want those special spots...and I want to arrive to what I was designed for...I don't really care where it is. I know and believe that is where I will be happiest and thriving. I so want to thrive in what God created me for, I just don't want to live a robbed life anymore, I want a victorious one...



I have been really quiet lately, I have not talked nearly as much to even my close friends. I couldn't get some of these thoughts out until I processed them a bit. I have truly had no words for what is going on inside of me, words are cheap and I can't seem to find the right ones to describe this experience even now. There is something so deeply intimate and personal between God and I right now it belongs to us, it is just precious stuff...

So...yes my friends I am doing well, in fact I think I am doing better than I ever have. I'm prospering spiritually, emotionally, financially, relationally, and physically. I'm feeling alive to my cells, I think I can feel my spirit woman in me growing, I actually feel her now and it feels like I am bursting out of my skin almost...

My dear friends, old and new that have supported me over these past few difficult years...I'm sorry I scared you, I hate that you saw me so low, but I love that you get to witness the journey of Gods redemption in my life...you each are so uniquly precious to me...and you know who you are...thanks for being there...;)

LOVE the TRUTH that SAVES you

2 Thessalonians 2:10 He will use everything that God disapproves of to deceive those who are dying, those who refused to love the truth that would save them.

This is an incredibly powerful verse I found today that smacked me in between the eyes...

I have alluded to the fact I was healed of RA(Rheumatoid arthritis) coming off of chemo and 13 drugs total last September. Let me just tell you I was a sick cookie, I was even sicker after a year and a half of weekly chemo...I heard a minister say the other day most people don't get sick unless they have been unhappy for a while.

I was unhappy, terribly unhappy, I was in a marriage that was not working despite every effort I made. I had resigned myself that I would never divorce but trust God to work in us both...and then I got sick...and I got really sick...He left when I was diagnosed and although that was devastating at the time it propelled me onward to my healing journey...One day as I read, ..."the power that raised Christ Jesus from the dead dwells in you", another reality hit, if that was true and I believed it was, how in the world was I sick....That power would certainly heal me if I tapped into it...I just didn't know how...and I sent out on a quest to find answers...I prayed and simply sought God...

God brought some new people in my life and one night on the phone a man ministered to me about how much God loved me...Honestly, I had forgotten...I don't know how it happened but with all the hardship I had been going through I forgot I was lovable, much less loved by Him...I sobbed quietly...I cried myself to sleep that night not being able to pray, not even really being able to respond, but things were hitting my spirit over and over...I slept peacefully and got up for work...I noticed I was driving in the dark on my way to work...When it had normally taken me 2 hours to get ready for work I was out the door in an hour, I was going to have time to stop and eat breakfast....something was different...then it hit me...I sat back in my car with my arms extended...I was not in any pain, none whatsoever...it was gone I felt no pain ANYWHERE...what the heck...and then I knew, this was indeed a spiritual battle...soaking in Gods love in one night took away every symptom I had....I had to search for more spiritual truth...and that I did...

I repeatedly listened to healing scriptures, I talked to the one man over and over about things, I sought out healing messages by Andrew Wommack...I read the Word, I sat at work and listened to every single healing message I could in between patients...truth infused me along with His love...the chains were breaking, taking medicine make me want to vomit, literally, I felt my body was rejecting it...so one day, being a nurse practitioner myself, thinking it insane to stop meds that keep you going, I traded the medical world for the spiritual. I stopped every med I was on and as much as I needed to I spoke to my body commanding it to come in line, I spoke to my symptoms and commanded them to flee...all I can tell you is they did...I'm a year off all meds and disease free at that....

And then I saw this scripture today..."He will use everything that God disapproves of to deceive those who are dying" Listen I was in every way in a battle and deception was Satan's tool, I was being lied to by the great deceiver and he was using my ex husband, my job at the time, any single avenue he could he used...IN THIS REALM...I was not lovable, not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, just not enough, not in any single area...I was a zero, I deserved this after all...somehow. I have to say in my heart somehow Satan's message took hold more than Gods message did...Had I not renewed my mind by the washing of the word, had I not allowed those words to penetrate my spirit that night on the phone, I can tell you I do not for one moment think I would be here...Gods message of grace and mercy came in time for me...but I also allowed that truth that would save IN...

We have to make those steps...lately we have lost famous icons, some I grew up with Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and now as of yesterday Patrick Swayze, I don't know what their spiritual conditions were but it says in this verse there is a truth that can save us WHEN we are dying, we just have to accept it....It is so simple it seems unbelievable...and that is part of the deception...None of us deserve Gods love, none of us can do anything to win His grace, Grace comes without effort on our parts or it isn't grace, all we have to do is receive. Receiving changes your life, it can change the direction and the outcome, AND receiving Gods TRUTH keeps us from even dying...powerful stuff to ponder...and do I think the Bible is literal...YES I DO...

I had a woman come into my office last week for a flu shot and miraculously I didn't have any other patients after her...we just started talking Christ crucified, it fell out of both of our mouths...It was one of those times I wondered if I was not entertaining an angel...I'm serious...we hugged about 3 times before she left, we didn't want to stop our conversations and as she left she said something to me very poignant for me personally, she turned to me and said, Lori, don't let those in your life that will deceitfully use you...then she smiled and pointed her finger at me and said, "You know I'm going to see you again"...I turned then followed her out of the room and SHE WAS GONE, I looked thorough the isles of the store...SHE WAS GONE...I just smiled to myself...Wow, it took me a couple feet back...Even if she was not an angel God still sent her to give me a powerful message....DON'T LET DECEIVERS IN....what truth, it almost cost me my life once....may that be a lesson I won't ever forget...and may I always remember and love the truth that SAVES me....to steal the words from one of my favorite preachers...."CAN I HAVE A GOOD AMEN!"

Lets talk Betrayal...

So let talk betrayal for a bit...Heavy topic. Something most of us know a bit about. At some point we will all be betrayed by either parents, siblings, spouses, kids, friends and yes even our jobs. I'm not talking about someone disappointing you or even being fooled by someone here...I'm talking about outright lies, determined deception, and unjust wrong all wrapped into one. I think most of us know every single time in our lives betrayal has hit us...You never really forget that moment when you loose your air and can't find any oxygen available to breath in. That moment when the reality of your situation hits you squarely in the face...remember the nights after when you wake up from sleeping hoping your life was a momentary nightmare and waking up would return it all back to normal? Boy, I don't think I will ever forget those moments or the aftermath...

This past week in taking care of patients somehow this subject came up over and over again. Men who had been abandoned by wives now fending for small children on their own, people fired after 25 years of service with no severance package, men having affairs on their wives (yes they come to me with STD's admitting their infidelity)...I met one man who lost his best friend and wife both to each other...and his best friend told him...I'll take good care of your kids...Man, I think even the most callous of us would wonder how someone could be that cruel...He but all broke down in my office after getting a flu shot telling me of this fresh betrayal...he was still in shock in my estimation...I couldn't help but wonder what road he would take in his journey of dealing with betrayal...This theme was so frequent last week in my patients lives I knew God was trying to tell me something...I had to really stop and formulate some thoughts on it all....

I'm a Christian who believes in living a life well, and out loud for that matter, but what does that mean during times of betrayal, to me?...How to we rise above that storm because it is a tough one to even rise in?... I have decided in writing to birth to a perspective that I will admit is uniquely mine. I'm just going to say something here very poignant here, don't miss it....Not everyone wants to rise above betrayal, some sit right where it takes them and they never move....In a sense they becoming prisoners of their past life, it is an excuse for them to stay out of relationships, to avoid loving deeply, to become selfish, to avoid growth, to avoid venerability. As Christians many of them say, "I have forgiven but I can't forget and I will NEVER..." I wonder if people realize getting stuck there affects them on EVERY level...

Betrayal requires us to go beyond forgiveness..you have to allow yourself to become venerable again where there is no guarantee of the outcome...you have to learn to love your kids growing up and out, who are going to leave you. You have to learn to work hard at your job just because your going to be a good employee. In those secret moments where no one else is looking you clean your office, you organize, you don't sit on the Internet on company time...you work...you become faithful, no one is looking but your being faithful because that is who you are...You have to allow yourself to be open to receiving love and giving love with absolutely no guarantee that you will get anything in return, in fact, you have to do that knowing that more times than not your needs are not going to be met. You have to learn to trust in other peoples goodness, heart and direction. And in it all amidst the sting we feel in our hearts at times we have to continue to hope...Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Betrayal can rob us of any hope of the future for ourselves...if we let it, but we have options...We have options to not let Satan kill, steal and destroy from us. We may have broken relationships in the past, we may at even one time had a heart so dark that we never knew if we would feel warmth or light again, but....if you trust who and what God is able to do, and if you KNOW he purposes a good thing for you, you who He knew would be His child...what can you do but look up and hope expectantly for something better than what you ever had before...God comes to give us LIFE and give it abundantly...

More and more I see life and living as a matter of choice and outlook...if you believe your best is behind, that you will never feel as good as you have in the past, that you will never love as deeply, that you will never be as successful, then from what I see you will have exactly as you believe... You may as well retire, pack it up, and live alone...write you memoir...You have to realize that your life will not from that point will not carry the witness God designed for you, you have to realize that the safety in the confines you have created means you will more than likely be ineffectual in the lives of others. You have to realize you have chosen not to trust God, not to enter into His rest, nor therefore your promised land that awaits, it honestly is a decision most people make, your in a huge company. Finally, you have to admit that you have let Satan win and get his way, that he has stolen, killed and destroyed and your life is that example.

It is fabulous to be saved...I will never ever negate any of the work of Christ in our lives but life abundance does not stop at salvation...it begins there...

You may think I'm talking about something I know nothing about...you would be wrong. DEEP betrayals began very early in my life...in fact I endured one a couple of years ago that shattered me in all honesty, I was completely blindsided by it. The magnitude of how it affected me was palpable for some time...I will just tell you though I am determined to find what God has for me...I know it is a GOOD thing, I am determined to love deeply, I am determined to see myself lovable allowing someone else in to love me deeply, I am determined to continue to be a good friend, to be a good parent, to be faithful at my job. I'm determined to NOT give up any ground but to go and conquer even more, I am determined to have it in me to say to my deceivers, just as Joseph said to his brothers in the Word..."...Do not be distressed and disheartened or vexed and angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me..." Gen 45:5 To me, that perspective IS the very attitude that allowed Joseph the position he held. If he had never believed in the redemption of God, in the goodness of God, in God going before him making him the head not the tail, he would have never found that to be truth...

I hope this blog encourages people who read it to be determined to believe in the goodness of God...I hope this encourages a hope that can not be deterred from the knowledge that "GOD SENT YOU"...In Him, Lori

This was more than a bad decision...

For a while now I have been resting and allowing God to restore my body. Almost a month from today I ended my chemo and the 13 meds I took along with it. For a year now I have been off medication....WHAT a PRAISE...and during this time my body is being restored...To help in that process every now and then I do something for myself that is just kind to pamper this body. I may get my nails done, a massage, a great hair cut etc., I have about one "spa day" a month...it is a fun time for me. I LOVE my spa days...that was until yesterday...

Sigh...When you take chemo you loose hair, it is really tough when it comes off your head but when it leaves your eye lashes and brows, well, that can be tragic as well. My hair is coming along...it is about down to my clavicles and shoulders now...I'm SO stoked about that, but one thing I have to say is my eye lashes are just...well...missing! Missing and short! This summer I met up with my college buddies from 25 years ago...I told one of them..."GOSH, I LOVE your eyelashes!"...she told me they were fake....she had them placed one by one on her original lashes, it is what she does to pamper herself...about once a month....ever since July I have envied those lashes, so this week I decided to do something about it...

I made an appointment after looking at videos online... dreaming about having lashes in place....I was so EXCITED...So I lay down listening to oriental music thinking this is going to be a slamin, relaxin time....and when I got up....I would look NORMAL...that is all I wanted was NORMAL...So, the treatment starts. I can tell you the burn that takes place when that glue goes into your eyeball vs the lash is almost unbearable, talk about wanting to slap someone... jeezzzz.... this was suppose to be relaxing....I was in absolute sheer agony....but I endured as "Kim" kept saying to me...(seriously) "Lori, beauty is PAIN"...It sure was in her chair....Then, she says. "OH, you look like a movie star"! When she handed me the mirror I saw a black line of lashes with swollen RED eyes, not a pretty combination. I couldn't focus, I could barely stand the burn to open my eyes. I couldn't really tell what they looked like. I just wanted to get home...so I go home and I fall asleep for 3 hours I was so exhausted after that treatment...Pain does that to me. When I woke up I was absolutely MORTIFIED...I looked like "Lola Falona" and I'm not joking, the problem was I had to go to work in the morning....It was too late to do anything so I angled them and cut as much of them out as I could, it looked a little better...BUT when I got up in the morning the lashes had already started to lift...my right eye looked like a Hitler eye, my left Lola Falona. Sometimes, I hate that I work with the public...today it was downright embarrassing....After all I am a professional, diagnosing illnesses and writing prescriptions...these people trust me, but yet when they looked into my eyes I looked like I had danced a pole the night before forgetting to remove the evidence. I AM SURE many of them where checking my wardrobe for the dollar bills that should have been cascading out....

All day long I went around and hoped that people didn't notice, but they did, I could tell cause they STARED at my eyes...I called the salon and asked how the heck to get these off, they had to come off TODAY, they told me no one was there that could help me in the salon, that they would be glad to have the manager call me tomorrow (yeah, you do THAT, I'm thinkin). I could go home and use baby oil trying to gently ease them off...

Enjoy the pics of the lashes before they were removed...sometimes a picture is worth 1000 words...Notice how red my eyeballs still were after 24 hours absent glue...I endured 12 hours of humiliation at work at work as well....yes, I am frowning in the first one....As I remove these lashes I'm listening to a Joseph Prince CD made for me called... "Wait! Don't try to help God". Too bad this CD didn't come yesterday....

Fall is here

Fall is here and it has been an amazing summer...

My daughter graduated from high school in May and somehow we got her settled into her first year of college at WKU for photojournalism. I'm so proud of her, who she is not just her accomplishments...

5 days after she goes to school my son gets his first car, BEFORE he got his license, he has his black ride waxed, oil and transmission changed, oil filter, air filter replaced and he tinkered with it all on his own learning as he went...

I had a major surgery, it has helped to put my body back together after effects of chemo. Honestly, I'm still recovering but this has put me on the road to health. Not even when I had children was I able to get away from work for more than 16 days, to have 9.5 weeks off to heal was needed time...I could have honestly used more but it was adequate. I'm still working on balancing home, work, kids, and the endless list a single parent has that you only seem to make a dent into...

I'm starting a running plan tomorrow, it is suppose to take 10 weeks to get you running a 5K but I want to run the Susan Koman race in 6 weeks, we will see how I do...I'm not worried just glad I get to start training...

I met back up with my best college friends I ever had...they are awesome ladies and we still had that bond..it was pretty amazing...

I was able to go to a Clinician Congress meeting meet up with some friends in Ga on the way...I'm so blessed with some truly Godly friends. Absolutely no one can take their place....I carry their love, and wisdom, their hopes and prayers with me, even miles away it surrounds me...

I got to do some deep cleaning to my home that has been neglected over the past couple of years when I was sick. I painted walls, washed woodwork, organized a few closets, threw out boxes of stuff and I have made some nice progress...I don't feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of putting the house on the market after Christmas and having it be sellable in this competitive market...

Those are all big things but there are two things I have yet to mention that have changed my life from the inside out. One is I have been going through an "Esther process". I didn't really know when it started for me but I know I am on the journey...I started an Esther Bible study Jan 15th of this year...so I guess my year is up in Jan best I can figure...I'm still aware I am not there...this is a journey but I am actually enjoying and looking forward to anticipation the next steps...and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the story Esther was an orphan taken with a large pool of girls to see who would win the kings heart...she met the king at 10 months and married him 2 months later. To me the amazing thing about the story of Esther is not that she "won" the king but the position it gave her to save the Jewish people...I still don't know what all this means for me...and I don't believe the point of all this is marriage in a year...BUT it has seemed to be a time of extensive healing with "special treatments". I have been grateful for all that has transpired so far this year and how God has shown me in real time to live above the storms of life and follow peace...I'm just different now and it is a permanent change....

The last thing is and this has been the most significant...I am learning about rest in a completely new way...months ago I realized most of my life I have done what I thought God wanted me to do but I did it in relation to my own strengths and talents. I approached things from the center of me, not Him. Resting for me has been about learning to stop, not rely on my strength or skills but His. I have come to see God as my creator, my children's creator, my friends creator, and my families. He knows them and can deal with their hearts and lives in ways much better than I can. I'm leaning to speak only when He tells me to, to act only when He tells me to, to pray about what I see and honestly give it to Him to deal with. I have never so intimately conversed with Him over my friends and children, my job, my home, and the activities I am involved in as I do now....I am leaning to follow peace and I find at night when I lay down to sleep because of all this my mind is not going in 1000 different directions. I am calm and restful...I trust when I don't know what the details are, I have faith when I see no evidence of progress, and I have a different kind of hope for the future than I have ever had. The love I feel for my friends and family has exploded...and I doubt many of them are even aware...as I'm pretty quiet these days in my blessed assurance....

The final thing is I realize my time in Kentucky is going to be short....I actually dream of mountains...I want to go to Colorado Springs to Bible College there. I'm going to start correspondence school but I want to move....almost every night I dream of mountains in the back drop and when I see pictures of them my heart soars....My son about fell out of the chair when I showed him Andrew Wommack was starting a music school...that boy is killer on his drums...I know he and I are to make this journey...I had to get my girl settled into college, she has dealt with so many abandonment issues I felt it was important for her to feel secure in her new found independence. If I had gone and just left her this summer before she went to college I believe it would have taken years out of some of the intensive investment I put into her. I was not willing to take that chance...like many parents sometimes empowering our kids means we lay down our life for a period of time until the green light is there...surprisingly the light is already yellow...

Alright, so reading my last blog....I'm somewhat disappointed in myself, I'm generally a little more protective of others...

I really WAS stinkin mad...stinkin mad...and it showed, huh!?!!

Honestly, when it comes to my kids I can not seem to help but to feel fiercely protective of them. I can absolutely come out swinging...and the truth is God had/has/will have it all under control... I really don't need to swing punches...


I'm learning to trust God in these times and REST. That is SO hard for me. I have been going through months of learning how to rest...not only that it has been storming! The storms seem to come on top of one another....at times I feel like I can hardly manage, but that is the point I'm not suppose to be managing, I'm suppose to be resting so He can manage...I reminded myself of that today...(yet once again)


For me laying in bed hitting the snooze in that drowsy, awake time is some of my best praying and communicating time I have with God...There is something about those minutes where my brain is not at full capacity...it seems for those moments my spirit speaks louder than my soul or heart....that can be a good thing when the storm is raging...


In that quiet this morning...I felt God say...what about the life insurance policies? It hit me years ago I opened whole life insurance policies on the entire family... I have had this for years since the kids were babies...and they have been cooking, so I dug out some info as I was listening to Joseph Prince this morning and just prayed...let it be enough. I had a quick break at work and called the policy holder and found the kids policies were worth less than 100 each but mine was worth 3200 to cash out. BINGO money for tuition! I have enough life insurance through work, I really don't need that policy...what a blessing!


I just began to think how God works...see He knew this was going to happen...He knew tuition would be due for my daughter and He knew how to get it covered...He prepared me for this moment over 15 years ago...I love that thought...So tomorrow I fax in some information and in a couple of weeks her tuition will be paid. God uses people, He uses us for our own answers and sometimes he uses others. Either way I believe we need to be open to His work. We don't have to be held hostage to one way of thinking or doing things. I KNOW/knew in my Spirit my daughter is to be at school right now, I knew she was not to drop out. I knew there was an answer somewhere...I knew I was her Mom and for this semester, for this moment in time it was up to me somehow to manage this...I did pray for God to open up the window or door...


This same week after dropping my daughter off for her first year at college, my son got his 1st car...I finished training my new partner at work and I got my clinic back up to par just before we get hit with preparation for the flu season...Life is good, I am tired but getting use to long hours at the clinic again. I'm also at peace...at home, at work, and in those early morning hours, amidst all the change and challenges I'm resting...feeling the presence of my Daddy so close by...taking care of everything better than I could ever think of or dream...


As soon as I can get it up...Enjoy the video of my daughters very first dorm room and my sons new car! I would have never guessed I could have done that 5 days apart! The best part is this...sons car=paid for, daughters college tuition for this semester=paid for ;) And it was honestly God's provision here...

I'm so mad I could spit...

My Daughter is leaving for college in 4 days...it should be a wonderful time...We just had a family celebration to send her off this past Friday. It was one of those fabulous family get togethers I don't think any of us will forget...it was the praise before the storm....

In the early summer after my daughters graduation celebration her step-father met with us. He sat before us and told us he was a changed man, he asked for our forgiveness for leaving us all when I was diagnosed and started chemo. We were all hesitant to believe him, but gave him a chance at redemption. I told the kids that was scriptural. He said he wanted to be there for the kids regardless of what happened with us (he was hoping for reconciliation). He asked us what we needed. We sat there dumfounded. Although my son and he communicated occasionally, my daughter and I had never talked with him since he had left 2 years ago. My daughter just looked at him and he asked her about college expenses, he then told her he would pay for her left over tuition bill after loans (you can't borrow enough to totally cover your expenses) It was going to be about 2,000 for this first semester. It was such a stress relief. he offered to buy my son a car for 3500-4000 dollars as well. During the summer each month I have purchased EVERYTHING needed for her college dorm life. She is totally ready to go....

4 Days before college drop off he is "praying" if he should pay her expenses. He said he figures too much damage has been done...what does it matter... granted he is her step-father, he owes her nothing technically...but when I heard her sobbing on the phone today wondering if she should even start college this fall I got fighting mad. I'm so tired of having my kids let down. I want so badly for them to feel cared for and protected. I want them to feel like they can rely on a man. I wonder if he realizes the wounds he is creating. I rarely get mad enough to cry, but today was my first day back to work after an extended surgery. After I got about 10 panicked phone calls from my daughter as she is trying to figure out how to make other financial arrangements, I just broke down at work. Not only were we busy but I was training someone on the computer as we saw patient after patient...when I cry my face gets blotchy, there was no hiding it. I just had to excuse myself and give myself some time. I wanted to punch the wall and I hardly ever get really angry. I was so mad I felt on the edge of being out of control. Why, why did I even think this was going to happen? I should have known better...I knew he and I were not going to be able to reconcile but I was hoping for some redemption for the kids and him...NOT more damage....and I even encouraged them both to be open to his offers. I felt like such an idiot...It is a hard thing to believe in people who have let you down, it is a harder thing to let them help you...God help the 3 of us to keep soft hearts...

I know God is our present need in time of trouble, I know He never leaves us, I know He not only dwells in me but my daughter as well. I know He owns a cattle on a thousand hills, I know He is our provider, I also know as His righteousness through Christ I encur favor and so does my daughter...so I'm asking everyone that reads this to pray for us. Speak a positive word over us, stand with us to believe the best, send us words of encouragement...We need 1909.00 to be exact for her tuition bill, (she has saved after working this summer and I have saved for the rest). I covet your prayers and support. There is an answer here and we need the wisdom to find it...Thanks saints :)

Lets Recap...

Alright so it is August the 12th. WHAT a summer. I was reminded today how the Lord asks us to recall His faithfulness to us...He calls us to remember His rescues, the work of His hands, His wonders, and His proclamations from his mouth.

And the people of Israel did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hand of all their enemies on every side; (Jdg　8:34　RSV)

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all You have done; I reflect on the work of Your hands. (Psa　143:5　CSB)

Remember his marvellous works that he hath done; his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth; (Psa　105:5　KJG)

...Why? Why is it important to remember what God has done? For me I know one of the reasons... Satan goes around as the great accuser, he loves to condemn us to anyone who will listen. He loves to tell us we are not beloved by God, he loves us to feel forgotten and uncared for by our Father, our creator. Deception is Satan's only tool and when we buy it then we get robbed of what God has done, is doing, and will do. If you look at these passages God clearly tells us Israel forgot they were delivered by Gods hand from ALL their enemies on EVERY side. We may read that and think jeezz...how could they do that? The truth is we tend to do the same thing. When we lose sight of Gods deliverance, when we don't reflect on His wonders, when we talk or begin to believe we delivered ourselves by our strength, skills, or talents we tread on that very same dangerous ground the Israelites did. God says we fight a spiritual battle, not a battle of flesh and blood, yet we live in the physical world, so how do we reconcile all this? For me I have made a decision long ago to trust and believe in my Creator...this means I believe what His Word says and act accordingly. I believe I'm in a spiritual battle. I believe this involves unseen issues of faith. I believe it involves unseen battles... I also know that God fights this battle for me. It is not my talents, wisdom, nature, looks, money or position ,or anything else that deliverers me, it is Him. To remember and give God credit not only give Him the glory He richly deserves but it reminds us who we are and who we belong to. This battle that you and I fight in this world is already won. The problem is the church today instead of equipping us to properly fight spiritual battles had generally brought us under the law once again with all the do's and dont's, the step system, and the hard work system. Each one of us is under grace with Satan defeated under our feet. That should be our focus as well as what God has done....I have had an incredible summer and these are some of the things God has done for me:

1) 6,000 was GIVEN to me so I could have a surgery that would repair my entire abdominal wall. Had that not been given to me I would have gone through an entirely different procedure and I would have come out more scarred and been/felt more deformed. I was not prepared for that after 2 years of chemo, chronic disease, and incredible pain. So God provided....from a completely unbelievable source at that.

2) My daughter got the money she needed for college. This same person decided to fund whatever part of college she can not pay for with her student loans, otherwise she would be working instead of attending college in a couple of weeks.

3) My home mortgage was restructured at the last minute when it was getting ready for foreclosure, my payments are now a couple hundred less than they were.

4) I had paid time off for surgery. It was a fight with short term disability for a few weeks but we got it all worked out and my time off work was paid for.

5) Both my children got jobs making 10.00 an hour. This allowed my daughter money for school expenses and my son money for a car.

6) I got to go to a medical conference during this time off for work. I traveled with my daughter and her boyfriend and tolerated the trip fairly well by breaking it up.

7) My ex and I, who have never discussed his leaving met and talked some things out. It helped my children and I to ease some of the pain of these last few years. Because of that I won't carry with me into other relationships some of the things I was holding on to (unbeknownst to me) and neither will they.

8) I learned and am still learning what it means to rest. I am learning what Grace means in real time right along with favor...Instead of keeping my hands in things and asking for His assistance to fix them....I keep them out...I don't do anything until He tells me to move. If any of you know me well you know this is nothing short of a miracle.

Those are my top 8 for the summer and there are more, but these, these are true solid God workings...they left His mark and His breath on me. I have had MANY enemies and I have been rescued from them ALL....each and every single one...Not one is left on any side to torment me. Praise God He does a thorough work...

I smile at each of these paragraphs above, I know what they all took. It took work on my insides, it took walking in the spirit when I wanted to scream and yell, and blame, and cry, and play the pity card, and give up, a couple of times I will admit I wanted to swing a punch or too....but see that is God too...He is going to make sure that while He fights our battles we fight our own of patience, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faith, hope, joy, and love. I count this summer as joy...I'll never forget the summer of 2009 and how my Daddy took care of me so intimately and so completely. He restored my health and my youth, he restored my finances and promoted me, he deepened my friendships to precious level, He took care of my babies for me, He provided food, and housing and He even gave me a vacation. Most of all and I hope your not missing this here, He showed me in real time, in this flesh and blood realm that believing in Him, having faith in Him is my sure bet. He showed me he CARES for me...I WILL NOT forget ALL His benefits...


I have always said I wanted to see Satan and his boys so I could know what they are up to...life would be so much easier then...but one thing I can tell you, even though this is a nice list I know this too it doesn't begin to cover how He cares for me. Every moment of every day He is working for me in some capacity...One day we will come to know all the goings on that took place in this physical world that were of His spiritual nature...When we come to know His care we will no longer be standing on our feet...

So I'll address this once...

Many people are asking me..."Why did you have plastic surgery?" Some say, "But your a Christian, couldn't you just exercise, isn't this the easy way out" OK, so I'm going to address some of those issues...

First of all, I didn't just have a tummy tuck, what precipitated this for me was that I had an entire abdominal wall muscle rupture. The first time I took chemo I had a terrible intestinal reaction, my intestine swelled to the point it disrupted my muscle wall from my zyphoid to my bellybutton. For almost 2 years I lived with it until it began to rupture even more, I couldn't eat a bite of an apple, I couldn't eat whole wheat toast, I couldn't drink thick drinks. toward the end I drank milk, and juice, and lived off of peanut butter and crackers. Meat and most vegetables were forbidden. I could eat about 4 bites until I had severe abdominal swelling and pain. During those moments I looked about 6 months pregnant.

I'm a nurse and have been for over 1/2 of my life. I have seen hernia or abdominal wall repair done by general surgeons and people have subsequent problems. Cutting through the abdominal wall then repairing it often times leads to repeat surgeries in a couple of years with mesh graft having to be put in, further incisional hernia all that...It just doesn't work to cut into a weak abdominal wall and try to repair it. One way to have all that avoided is to take a different approach. If you do a tummy tuck and dissect upwards and repair what is amiss, keeping the skin and abdominal wall intact reinforces and supports...you get often times lasting results if you don't tear during recovery.

I opted for plastics for a couple of reasons, foremost it would be a lasting permanent solution. Abdominal surgery is one of the most painful, I didn't want to go through it again. The other reason is this. I have absolutely been through the mill over the past couple of years medically and physically, I wanted something to not further disfigure me but help to completely heal and transform me. Had I undergone a midline cut I would have felt further disfigured and defeated. I more than likely would have had complications down the road with further surgery...I can tell you I feel like I have paid my dues, I don't want to be sick EVER again, I want this to end once and for all...

Not that I have to justify the decisions I make medically for my body to anyone but those are the reasons to those of you who have asked. I would have never had any surgery at all had I not had significant digestive issues...The outcome...yes, it is nice, and it has given me a new found hope, and I have changed things about my lifestyle to further assist me in getting healthy. I'm able to do things I have not before. I was more than grateful to have it done by plastics.

For those of you who wondered I have gotten short term disability from my company because there was a medical issue that drove this engine, BUT the plastics surgical component came out of pocket, it was not covered by insurance...thank God He provided that option for me.

I post pictures so people can see the progression. If it offends you don't look at them. I post them for educational reasons as it helped me seeing others journey. I'm paying back as I see it. My surgeon said he had done this procedure only 6 times (total abdominal wall repair from zyphoid to pubis bone), 3 were in the hospital a week, I was there 2 days, 2 others tore after lifting and had to have the surgery redone. I have handled the pain and recovery better than the other 5, but I will tell you this was HARD...I have needed the 8-10 weeks off it is going to take to recover. Granted this was 18 and 16 years ago but I was back working 12 hours in the hospital 14 and 16 days respectively post C-section. I'm no woose...I also never missed a day of work taking chemo...so my pain tolerance is fairly high...I really thought I'd be back to work much sooner, boy was I wrong. It took me 6.5 weeks to come off Percocet 5mg to sleep. I do take Tylenol 3 as needed about 3 times a week for pain STILL. I still need to rest a lot.

So there are my answers...this had a medical component driving the procedure, it was not an easy way out...and most importantly as a Christian I don't ever believe God puts us through these kinds of things to teach us a lesson. I do believe when we find ourselves in difficulty. He works it all for good, I was going to find the good...Health was going to triumph here. Satan kills, steals and destroys, God gives us life and life MORE abundantly. I went after the abundance...I'm being strengthened and renewed like the Eagle, it is my right as God's child...So this weekend I'm going to hit the pool, something I have not felt confident enough to do in years...this is the restoring the years the locus have eaten...I love how Daddy heals on so many levels....it is a beautiful thing...

Off to bed...up in 5 hours for travel ;)

Going to Disney...

Tomorrow my daughter, her boyfriend and I are heading to Disney resorts for the Retail Clinicians Conference. I'm really looking forward to it. We are going to drive the first 1/2 of the trip to Atlanta hang out for the night and then head on in to Disney on Saturday for the second 1/2. Hunter is going to stay home and work. He can get his license in Sept and has been working hard this summer saving for that first car. Although I would love his company I have to admire his ethic...Work gives us CEU money so most the trip will be covered...We are not going to the Disney parks...I'm really not up to it and my girl and her guy are beach bound...they plan on taking the car visiting coco beach, the Kennedy Center and any other close beach they can find. I thought they might like the water park at Disney...but they just want the ocean...They will travel to the beaches when I'm doing the conference during the day. This is only a 3 day conference. With it being inside the hotel I can go to the room and rest if I need to. I love this conference. It is educational, fun, and there it time for relaxation, you only have one long day of 12 hours. I honestly think I remember more when I'm not so saturated by medical facts, nor worn out by long consecutive days.

I plan on getting tons of pics... so stay tuned...we will document our fun in photos...Here is hoping for moderate degrees, sunshine, and SOME pool time. I'm looking forward to catching up with buddies throughout the world of retail medicine and spending time with my girl before she is off to her first year of college...

Post Op Week 6 (Photos)

This is the right hip and you can see the discoloring or hyperpigmentation. The puckering on the suture line will end up softening as the edges of the incision have.

Front view and everything is healing there is still some puckering of the incision but that will go away over time.

Left hip and you can notice the hyperpigmentation, hopefully it will go away completely

Front view again and you can see some defination of my stomach muscles...;) I'm liking it!

Alright well as far as recovery goes this is where I am at...

I woke up on my stomach this morning at 10:30 am! It is so rare for me to sleep in that late. I have mentioned before I'm a stomach sleeper. I don't believe I deep sleep until I flip to my stomach...evidently last night at some point I did just that. Usually it hurts so much I stop myself....I guess that is progress to not have any remembrance of the flip...I will say what woke me up was a tearing feeling in my left groin...it did rapidly resolve once I got off my belly...Until they run out I'm taking percocet 5 and a xanax (for muscle relaxant purposes) at bedtime, I have two percocet left so we will see how I sleep after that.

I am not in as much general pain. I still have it but not to degree it has been. I can actually stretch my belly a little bit backwards....this week I have noticed some definition on the sides of my stomach and that must be because I'm loosing water weight. It is sweet to see...I would say there are a couple of days a week I take tylenol 3 for abdominal pain, I usually end up taking two over a few hours to get relief but that is not common.

My suture line is begining to look like it is in the middle of two pieces of attached skin vs the lone holding it all together. The entire suture line is not like that but parts of it are, I guess that just takes time...

OK, there is no way to say this but to say it...this week for the first time when getting out of the shower I no longer have winced painfully at my reflection in the mirror. So yeah your reading this right. From the front view I'm OK with naked. I still want to drop weight and I'm working on that now that I am able to exercise more, but this goal of getting into shape is an attainable one. I'm looking forward to the day I can run, I'm walking now slightly over a mile whenever it is not raining.

I guess the biggest thing now is working at my stamina. I'm pushing myself now realizing I have been off 6 weeks and will be released to work again soon...I have got to get myself to the point of being able to do 12 hours. I'm sure at first it will be a challenge and I will get incredibly tired. I hope I have no pain when I go back to work...it is slowly dissipating...But I will admit this has been harder than I thought it would have been. I had no idea to the degree this would take me out. I really had no idea I would NEED 8 weeks + to recover. I honestly am doing very well this was just a tuff procedure to have the entire abdominal wall repaired...

Eating, well I can eat solids and fiber now. Every now and then something happens and I get a lot of stomach swelling and pain, but that use to happen every single time I ate, it is rare now. For the most part I can eat what I want. I can not eat a full meal, not even close, maybe a third, but at least I am on solids with less restrictions.

A peer, A sunset, A Bible, and my Daddy

This is the first time I have told this story publicly. I'm writing this as a dedication to my Daddy who taught me how to love...this is part of that story....

My Daddy married my mom when I was 9 years old, I was in the 3rd grade. In the summers we would travel to Florida in our VW bus to Port Charlotte to visit my grandmother. Those were great family memories....This was the summer of the 6th grade and my Dad deeply thinking pulled me into his lap in my Grandmothers livingroom. He told me he felt like I was his real daughter, I told him I felt like he was my Daddy. He told me he had one problem, he didn't know how to parent me, he didn't know what to do. He confessed he had been such a failure as a father to his boys, he was lost. I was surprised by this, then he asked me what I needed from him. How do you put that into words when your 12? Only one thing came to me, and it was difficult to admit... I told my Dad I didn't know right from wrong or good from evil. I honestly saw that if I did not settle that issue I would have no real chance in life. I was a mess and I knew it. He looked shocked at this revelation from me and then he told me this and I'll never forget this...."Lori, I don't have all the answers but I know where to find them. Let me pray about this and you pray about this and we will go to the peer tonight and talk about it. " So we both set out on our day...I talked to God pretty regularly since I was six years old...I really didn't know what prayer was but I knew I had an audience with the Father when ever I wanted it....I just said,"God help me", that is all I could get out, that is all I knew to say...The day dripped by until evening....Dad and I sent out to the peer and he had his Bible in hand...

This is what transpired on the peer as the sun set....My Dad said Lori there are times I don't know right from wrong, I don't know good from evil and I certainly in this life have participated in wrong and evil acts but this (the Bible) is Gods standard. If you agree to bring any question to me we will search out Truth together but we need to do something first....Dad opened his big thick page tattered Bible and turned to 1 Corth 13 and began to read...somehow truth began to infuse me but I did not understand where Dad was going with this, then he paused starting with verse 4 and began to read....

(4)"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

(5) It is not conceited; it is not rude and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it.

(6) it does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

(7) Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

(8)Love never fails....

He went on and read that beautiful chapter....but then we went back to vs 4-8 Dad explained to me that we could indeed find truth and righteousness but first we needed love. I had to agree that chapter of scripture was so wise to me (still is) but it was also something I could not fathom. At that time my Dad said, "Lori, to go on this journey together we have to decide to love one another because without it we have nothing. You have to learn to be patient, and kind, you have to know that I am going to at times do harm to you, it may even feel like evil, I am going to fail you, but at those times you have to choose to forgive me and not hold me accountable. You have to believe the best of me, and you have to always have hope, your going to have to endure a lot....but if you can do that our love will never fail"...My eyes were the size of saucers...all I could think of was the abuse I endured and barely survived at the hands of my real father. I'm sure I paused quite a while as I watched the orange glow on the water....all I could do was respond with this..."Well then you have to be patient and kind to me too! And when I grow up I know I will probably disappoint you, and make decisions you wish that I wouldn't, but you have to always believe in me. When I do wrong things you can't hold it over my head, you have to believe I am the best (I really said that...he laughed then...I was getting it...). I'll probably make you really mad but even when I do you will still love me, it will never fail....Right?" "Right", He said. In that moment my Dad and I decided to love one another admist all our failures and insecurities. We made a very conscious decision to quest the Word as Daddy and daughter. I can not tell you the peace that surrounded me, we sat on the peer in silence for a long time watching the water and the fish jump...I had no idea the impact that moment was in my life but I knew it was significant....

I tell this story for a couple of reasons One, is today we are so far from Gods definition of love...people casually say it giving it no credence...I'm telling you, seriously, "I love you" does not escape my lips easily, I tell my children and family, I tell my dearest friends, but I do NOT say it casually because I know it is an agreement and in that agreement I have to be willing to never let that relationship end, I know I can not fail that relationship overall....I have never sat down with another person and talked love out like this...but I can tell you this...doing that with my Dad transformed my life and it transformed him. I would not in any way be who I am today without that beginning. On that peer in the sunset power infused us and it was not of our own...

My heart broke when my father died...but now that time has started working through the crushing heart break I can once again palpably feel his love. I can tell you the Word is true, love never fails...

The other reason I tell you this is I began to learn that day the power of Gods Word, and the richness in doing things Gods way. That day began a Bible Study quest that my Daddy and I never ended, we always went to the Word to seek out truth and have it be our standard. I learned all about right from wrong and good from evil, but that was just the beginning...when I open up the Word my heart, and spirit, and soul are renewed to deeper understandings....I hope this encourages others that when they feel lost and confused, when they can not do things in their own strength...God is there...he calms the confusion, there IS Power in His Word, and if you pray for wisdom you will find it...if you knock the door will be opened....

The next day we went to Ft. Meyers and rented Catamarans to sail on. My Dad and I went out alone and suddenly the boat started to almost vibrate and groan, we were at full sail rapidly moving across the water....I got scared and said, "Dad what is that?"....He layed down and relaxed with one arm under his head and the other hand holding the rope and said, "We're in the "groove" Lori, it is called being in the groove". Suddenly all around us were fins...well back in that day Jaws was a hit show, I was terrified...My Dad sat up and touched my shoulder and said, "Lori we are in a school of dolphins"....He whispered to me, "Enjoy this moment, it will probably never happen again"...there are times words absolutely escape me, that was one of them. It was a beautiful moment that seemed to be a sign from God...and my Daddy was right it never happened again....

I'll never forget those days and 1 Corinthians 13 takes me back every time I read it to those rare moments in time...to a peer, the setting sun, a man and his daughter, grooving with the dolphins...we all should be so lucky....

My Daddy...

Dad holding Allie when she was two weeks old

This was Mom and Dads wedding picture I was in yellow and 9 years old.


This was Dads and his Hollywood good looks....

This was Dads military photo...what a looker...

This Saturday (the 25th) will be the 8th anniversary of my Dads death. His death rocked my world, it was an incredibly hard time for me. I still can not hardly talk about him without crying, it exposes that part of my heart that is tender. Most of my heart seems to be tender when it came to Dad...

Most of you know he was my step-father he was in my reality my Daddy. The truth is he touched my heart in ways no one else ever has, not that I have not desired that it just has not happened. Wow, did we forge through...I would say although we laid the foundation for years and tried to actively build our relationship it was not until my adulthood that we both realized we had something unique. That is when we absolutely clicked...we had somehow gained an understanding of each other that was our special bond. I just adored him....and he knew it. I felt truly loved for who I was...The thing is my Daddy knew me...he knew all the dirt, all the hardship, all my weaknesses, my strengths, he had seen me at my worst, he had seen my ugly cry, he knew my insecurities yet he continued to look upon me with adoration and supported my quest in life. He encouraged me to reach tops that even he thought I might be incapable of, he helped to pull me out of pits when I was deep in the mire. He was not afraid to see me fail or succeed. Most of all he was not afraid to let me in his heart, and I know he opened up his heart to me knowing before hand I would disappointed him at times, I know I frustrated the heck out of him, I know I made his heart ache, but he kept me there nevertheless and allowed me to love him in his vulnerability as well.... What a rare gift...to be taught by example how to love that way...

I have come to find out in life most of us don't choose to let others in unguarded. We are afraid of the heart break, we are afraid of the heart ache even, we don't risk letting others see us at our worst because in those moments we assume the relationship is doomed to fail, we hide our insecurities and our faults and in that we rob ourselves and others. Life should not be about a performance to stay on top, it should be about living and living raw, being real, being venerable, finding the freedom to expose our weakness and being supported. Finding someone who cherishes us. Well, as I have said, that is a rare gift. We all have t-shirt and barefoot jean, bad hair, no makeup days and we also have those little black dress moments when we feel our most beautiful, you have to be loved in both places. You have to be respected there too...

I see so many people skimming the surface with others with no commitment to get to the iceberg underneath the water. I have found that not only do you have to be willing to explore but you have to be willing to BE explored...you have to be willing to dive in that cold water and explore unseen parts of others...then you have to be willing allow others to expose some uncharted territory of yourself. It takes trust and respect....I don't think until those things are established will you find love...

Love is not that thing that makes us act like love sick teenagers again, it is that decision to really see someone and love it all, endure it all, and stay through it all...Love can not be summed up in one sentence it can not be summed up in one word or one set of expletives. That is why the Bible calls it patient, kind, and long suffering, not taking into account the wrongs done to it, not demanding its own way...What love is not is jealous, boastful, proud or rude, it is not glad in injustice bu rejoices when the truth wins out, it never gives up, never looses faith, it is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. Then this is my favorite love lasts forever....forever....

All that above paragraph my dad and I achieved...It did not come natural, we didn't even like each other at first. I think in all honesty we both were terrified of the other, but we set out on a quest and with Christ as our center we eventually got there...we risked our hearts breaking, we encountered disappointments, we failed one another at times, BUT we endured...when the dust cleared we were still standing and rooting the other on....

Towards the end of his life both of us knew he was leaving....whenever I walked into his hospital room he would start to cry...I would just curl up against him in his bed and he would hold me and tears silently streamed down both our faces, words escaped us, they were cheap...our love was forever but it was going to end in this life, he held me as my heart broke...and I held him as he begrudgingly started to drift from this life....

I don't think either of us would have ever exchanged the experience of learning to love each other deeply even though it involved pain, even though our hearts broke and even though it ended in this life...we propelled each other in areas we never would have known about or explored without that commitment we had towards one another...I think he felt like I was one of his greatest successes, I was. Loving and being loved like that imparted something in me that I will never loose, it allows me now to risk, to cast down my pride, to put others first, it allows me to see with eyes that are not my own, I have faith, I have hope, and I understand love is powerful....I understand to love and to be love changes us deeply and always for the better. The benefits out weight the risk by far. I understand that getting to anothers heart is what counts, I also understand letting someone get to my counts just as importantly. My Daddy's ability to teach that forever changed my life...I'm eternally grateful...

I have no doubt my Daddy is in a better place, the thing is I was left with having experienced the real thing...now the fake thing does not suffice...I want to love well and to be loved well...that to me is the only life worth living...everything else...that is just getting by... I want more than that. I want Gods best, I want forever again...

Many of my friends ask me what they can do on the anniversary of my Dad's death. I will not lie...flowers are nice, dinner is nice, notes are sweet things that I appreciate more than I can tell you, phone calls where I can just talk and share encourage me more than you know...But what I would like each one of my friends do this year is this...At some point this next year, or even the first chance you get...Decide to love deeply, open yourself up to someone in a new way, become vulnerable, watch the outcome...Let someone else feel safe in your arms in a worst moment...feel the emotion...If you share a worse moment with someone when the dust clears let them see you still standing...Ask God to give you His eyes to view someone with....watch your vision change...

In our culture today we see rare examples of true love and we all suffer for the lack of it...with each of us making a decision to go a little deeper, to push ourselves to open up or to make a commitment to be there for others in hard times we change things, we change people...love is beautiful, powerful, and lasting...it gives meaning to the word forever...

July 19th...six years ago....

July 19th is not a day I will ever forget. I am usually tearful and sad and just sullen this day today was a repeat of the last 6 years. This is the day my nephew died unexpectedly 6 years ago now. There is something that happens to a woman when a child dies that is close to her, it doesn't have to be their own child, nephews are close enough in that category...at least mine was. Christian was the first child in our family, I would have Allie 7 years later so for 7 years that boy delighted my heart in a way I only hoped my children would one day. When I was pregnant with Allie I was not sure I would love her as much as I loved Christian...I can't even put it into words what happens when a child dies but a part of my soul seemed to escape from me 6 years ago...I have never gotten it back...


Goodness he would be 25. I often wonder of all the time we were robbed, I wonder of what his future would have held, would he be married, would he have children by now, would we be as close as we were when he was younger, it seems that relationships with kids wax and wane and pick back up once marriage and children enter the picture...I would have always been close to Christian. I would have loved to see him working, I wonder would he have been that vet he wanted to be, would he be a husband, be a father...What would he have been....


One of the things I miss most about him is he had a twinkle in his eyes, I'm not sure I have ever seen in anyone else...he would just look at me in one of our moments and I swear his eyes would sparkle, in that second any pain I had seemed to dissipate...I love him...and today my heart aches with the reminder of a life cut short....


I'm going to have to go to sleep now and just let the Lord comfort me, hold my heart, and allow myself to rest in Him...I do look forward to the day destruction, the taking of things too early, and death is conquered....

Quotes and a pancake throwing birthday breakfast

Only a life lived for others is worth living. Albert Einstein

I'm full of color, but right and wrong is black and white. David Lalonde

Today was my little brothers birthday. We had brunch for his celebration. My kids my mom and I were there. My daughter is going off to college for the first time in a little over a month and my brother used this opportunity to show his love to his niece by giving a plethora of wise advice. My Mom chimed as well and just so you get a visual this was a bit like a Democratic and Republican conversation once I chimed in. My brother and I got down and dirty. We had not done that to that level in some time. We love each other...but we disagree about some somethings as most siblings do. He is a military alpha make and I was a lioness mama, it got a bit loud. I don't usually engage in people with verbal banter...BUT I certainly will when it comes to my kids, who adult or not, 18 or not, I am their mother, always will be...period. Whenever someone gives them advice I disagree with I'm going to speak up... I don't micromanage their lives, I don't demand even certain behaviors of them outside of my house, but I will not ever sit back and let someone give them worldly advice that could be destructive and shove pancakes in my mouth like it is OK...



It just got me to thinking today...to what degree does Our Father go to ensure we hear Him...to what degree does He go to so we don't miss...I could ponder on that one for some time, in fact I think I will go back and try and recognize when God was talking to me loudly or softly and I ignored Him or just didn't get it. When we see those things we might not fall prey to the attacks Satan wields against us that are oh so familiar (Satan is not very creative I have found out...I get the same scenarios with a slight twist over and over if I'm honest with myself)



My brother apologized, he told me he hoped I took no offense....I did, I was as mad as I have been in a long time...siblings can help to spur those intense emotions.... but we also forgive pretty rapidly in our family, and I do love and respect my brother...but as I said it was his birthday, I reminded him he would always be younger and dumber about some things...that is when we all laughed...:) Family makes the world go around doesn't it....



Happy birthday bro and I hope you all enjoy his quote today that describes my brother to a T!

5 weeks Post Op (36 days)

OK, as far as pain goes I still have it. I proved that to myself last night. I went to 3 different meetings yesterday. It was just too much. I took a tylenol #3 at the last meeting but I was more than ready for bed when the meeting started. I'm just not there yet...it is so much better but I am not there...

Percocet lets me sleep well. I don't think I will sleep deeply without meds until I can go to my stomach. Simply put sleeping on my stomach hurts. At least those sides can take it now...progress. I just am totally relaxed on my stomach, I had this same issue when I could not stomach sleep when pregnant, thankfully this won't last as long....

This healing flat out takes time, it is one of those things you can't rush. you don't really see big leaps of progress daily but you make them and suddenly you find you feel differently than you did 2 weeks ago...still can't lift anything over 10 pounds and that is not much, a gallon of milk is 8 pounds just for a guideline. I can only do that briefly, I still have to take my kids to the grocery for me so they can load, unload, unload at home and put things away...

I'm still tired, very tired, and tasks wear me out. I can for example clean for 5 hours if needed BUT the next day is a day off...I'm in the process of building stamina...

Now the nitty gritty of it all is I look very different, very different. The results are pretty amazing, I need to get rid of most my wardrobe...thing is once I start training to run I'm going to have to do that all over again...I'm really not wanting to buy a lot just a few things to get me through...I'm down 3 sizes and went to the junior vs. women's sizes, that in itself is just a totally different fit, but since I'm petite it is a better fit. I can actually say that now...I AM petite once again, it IS a nice feeling, but I tell you I will never ever forget that before the grace of God go I...life can change in a moment of a devastating diagnosis just as it can with a miraculous healing...God is breathing back life into me...for that I am grateful in a way I can not voice....

Post Op Day 29 (Photos)

So, I took these pics myself (July 11th) as my daughter is gone, the coloring looks yellow in my bathroom but I have to have my bathroom mirror to see the images as I shoot them for a guide, otherwise self pics of this nature are a waste of time and incredibly frustrating. My stomach seems to be settling in a little more to normal...I will say the hyperpigmentation on the sides has seemed to fade a bit. When I get out of the shower it looks worse from the heat of the water. I'm using cortisone cream on that and McDerma on my LONG scar. Everything seems to be healing well with those treatments... I seem to have stalled on the weight loss at 20 pounds, I'm going to start to do a walking program of a mile at a time. I'm allowed to walk that distance daily, thing is with errand running, I'm defiantly doing that and probably more. I still have this incredible need for rest and that means sitting in a recliner or propped up in bed. I can't do two days in a row of activity yet. With all the skin treatments I do it takes an hour for me to get ready shower to dressed, it use to take 45 minutes.

Right side view of hip and scar, the hyperpigmentation isn't purple in real time, but it is red, I was cold from coming out of the shower.....You can see how the scar is healing along those edges ;) I was arching in this picture so private things stayed private...

This is the left side, you can see the drain marks still as you can see the hyperpigmentation looks much decreased on this side than the other...

That front on view,I think you can tell it doesn't look like my edges have approximated fully along my suture line but this is what it looks like when you have a plastics closure without topical sutures or staples...it will be nice once healed....and yes I am 4 weeks out now...

This was taken just so you see the belly button, it is getting there and once healed and settled in I think it will be a fine result.

This week I was able to sleep on my sides. I could flip to my stomach with some effort but I certainly could not stay there and regretted even trying. I have been incredibly tired this week getting out only a few times to run some errands. I HAVE to have my kids with me to even run to the grocery store a 5 # limit isn't much. For example: a gallon of milk is 8#, I can't lift cases of water, or even grab a liter of juice, I can't reach and lift any liter products, I can't tug stuff off the shelf...and once the groceries are bagged they are too heavy to lift. So, I'm still pretty limited. My kids were gone for the weekend to see their dad and when that happens I seem to just sleep more. I REALLY want to get to church tomorrow but I don't know if I can make it all the way through a service...not only that I don't know what I would wear, nothing fits, that is a good thing but I am going to have to buy some new clothes for work. I have already gotten some comfy home clothes but I am NOT wearing sweats to church...I guess another Sunday with church on the tube...I will say thank God for Christian TV...I crave Joseph Prince, every day I watch him every time he is on, even if I heard the message before I listen again... as much as I like listening to Andrew Wommack on TV I prefer his MP3 downloads as they are an hour or more in length...I like to dig deep...;)

To sleep I take 1.5-2 5mg percocets, a 10 mg flexaril, and sometimes a 0.5 mg xanax if I'm really feeling tight. I'll sleep 8-10 hours, 10 if I take 2 percocets, 8 if I take 1.5. Sleeping 10 hours means I don't have to nap so I am opting for that about every other day. During the day if I am doing house cleaning and yes, I am starting to do that, I take a tylenol 3 and 1/2 a flexaril. Today I washed down walls, did some spot painting, ironed, and washed baseboards. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher the best I could because I can't put stuff up if I have to stack all the glass bowls. Tomorrow I'm hanging some curtains (I'll have help with that), continuing the woodwork and spot painting, doing some windows and I'm cleaning my room including going through tons of mail...I may dust and run the vacuum. If I can deep clean the inside (and I have not done that for 2 years since chemo started) that means the kids can pull weeds and keep the outside nice...THAT I can NOT do. They are both working now so I do have to cut them some slack. I did run out and get a few things at the grocery...I forgot a few things and have to go out again tomorrow, so another busy day tomorrow, but that is OK I had my Sabbath yesterday when I did not MOVE out of the bed hardly....

My favorite night this week was having Allies guy, Nolan down, we had a hilarious time. I told lots of little kid stories on Hunter and Allie and had them all in stitches...Nolan thinks he was a lot like Hunter as a kid...God love Nolan's Mom I need to meet her...I only survived Hunter with prayer and a sense of humor, but I wouldn't trade that boy for any other kid on this earth...I love him all the way inside his guts....I love how he ticks, I love his heart, and I love watching how he thinks even though it is so foreign to me...well, he just makes my eyes sparkle....we all laugh at each other so much, what a joy family can be...That girl of mine...she is a hoot, she started out so shy she cried when strangers looked at her out in public, bless her heart she is my Wednesday Adams, at the same time so much like me I KNOW what she is thinking and I can just look at her and we both bust a gut laughing....that is such a special bond to know someone that deep, it is precious my relationship with both my kids, as they have aged I have fallen in love more and more as days go by...and I don't know how that is possible...they keep my heart alive...Alright, it is my bedtime and the percocet is kicking in....time to shut my eyes....